Wednesday, March 15, 2006
20:32 by FoxTwo
There you are, trying to make up some time. Quick glances at your watch (intervals of 5 seconds between glances) tell you that there is no way in hell you can make it there on time. So you speed up your walking a little. However, this being Singapore, of course, you forget that our streets are not "sparse". Well it is sparse, compared to Hong Kong, but they aren't sparse actually (to an ang mo from anywhere except New York, our streets would be fantastically crowded to them).
So, the streets being not sparse, your quickened pace suddenly brings you up behind a loving couple strolling on that same street you are hurrying along of. Their pace is as slow as molasses... damn, this is Singapore, man! People are supposed to be in a rush!! So you waste precious seconds waiting for a break in the throng of people walking on that street, looking for a small crack in the flow of people, for you to quickly "change lanes" and "overtake" that lovey-dovey couple.
Being nimble, you zip around a few more people who are just strolling by on the street. You come to a junction. Damn, now you need to wait for the lights to change before you can go. You hit the button. The traffic lights laugh at you and seem to say "I know you're in a hurry but you still have to wait 3 minutes for me to get off my coffee break and change the lights for you". So, you pound on it. People around you (who are waiting to cross the road with you) look at you as if you're weird, but you know it's THEM that are weird. Who the hell in Singapore walks on the street at such slow pace, man? We're all in a hurry! That is what we have been brought up with - everything needs to be grabbed, as soon as possible, as fast as possible! Don't waste it! Kiasu-ism for teh win!
Well, the pounding on the traffic light button worked. After the 2765th press, the lights change. Not too bad, you showed 'em! So you run across the street. Well, you should have picked a different street, my friend, because this is the SHOPPING STREET! So you utter a small curse, and start hurrying more. You really NEED to get to your destination!
As you walk, you encounter a pair of fat Tai Tai's. Only tai tai's can come out shopping in the middle of the afternoon when everyone else is at work, or going for a meeting like you are! Because they are tai tai's, they are window-shopping, of course. Rich people never buy anything! They just look and point. And drink coffee. No, people who dress rich are the stingiest people. Every cent is counted. They are total misers! That is how they stay "rich". The TRULY rich people, would be going around in singlet and shorts, and paying cash for everything. Why? Because, they don't need to advertise their status. They know they are "there", don't need to show off. Or it could be that they are really poor people, pretending to be rich people, paying cash for everything because they can't get a credit card? Hmmm....
So anyway, the pair of fat tai tai's block the whole street because they chose to walk side-by-side and talking, and going very slowly because they are window-shopping, instead of walking in a line like what the SAF teaches us when we go into the army. Line Abreast formation is only to be used for Charging, not movement! Dammit, someone needs to get those 2 tai tai's into the SAF and teach them the proper way to move!
No choice lah, brudder. You have to walk on the ROAD just to overtake them. It's crazy huh, because of all the cars we have? And to think, this is restricted hours too! Supposed to be LESS cars in CBD than normal! Could have fooled me... Looking furtively left and right, you step out from the kerb. Immediately you can hear tyre screeching and sounds of metal and glass smashing and breaking. You cringe. You pray you didn't just cause that. So, you turn around, and ... heng ah!!! Not my fault! you think. The sound came from another street, parallel to the one you are on.
Finally, you overtake the 2 tai tai's who were blocking your way earlier. As you are in the process of overtaking them (by walking at the edge of the road), the 2 tai tai's enter a shop, leaving the way free. They must have spotted something nice in the window. Damn! Could have waited a few more secs and they would have turned into the shop!
So you climb back out from the road, skipping over the nice roped fence and trampling over the newly planted bushes and flower beds, so you can get back onto the pavement. You even got some mud on your shoes when you did that. As soon as you step onto the pavement, the 2 tai tai's come out of the shop, just ahead of you! Doh!
You almost break into a run, trying to stay ahead of the 2 ladies. But, you trip and fall, because, you know, you got mud on your shoes? Mud makes shoes slippery. Slippery means "no traction". Got that? Good. So, you eat some dirt. Now, your nice shirt is crumpled and stained. How can you go see your client like that now? Piang eh, you need to find a public toilet soon, man! To clean the shirt as much as you can!
Hunting around, you soon see a "Public Toilet" sign. The old lady at the counter refuses to allow you entry unless you cough up 20 cents. That is highway robbery! The entry fee used to be 10 cents! WTF? Well, she's not having any of it, so you better pay up or you can go see your client messy. Choose one.
You waste even more precious time cleaning yourself up as best as you can. You even try to force the pee to leave your body faster than normal because, at this point, EVERY SECOND COUNTS! You know you really have to be there 15 mins ago, don't you? Yup, your watch is practically screaming at you "You're late! You're late! Nyah nyah nyah!" Now, your shirt is wet from the piss-poor cleaning job you just did. You can't go see your client with a wet patch on your shirt!
Ah good, a hand dryer, with a twistable nozzle so you can direct the flow to your shirt. Ok so you do that. And wait. And wait some more. And wait even more. The shirt doesn't seem like it wants to be dried, you know? Precious seconds and ticking by, what you gonna do?
Right, you dash out of there with the shirt, and a slightly-damp, hardly-noticeable patch on your tummy. You can't risk walking now. You need to run! The building is just across the next junction, and you can see the junction! One more glance at your watch tells you that you are now "25 mins too late", as Michael would say, while learning to rock. As you near the junction, the lights changed. Now, it's the cars' turn to move, not the humans'. You have to wait 2 more minutes, buddy! Tough luck, the traffic light sneers at you. Hmmm... should I pound on the button of this traffic light? Ah heck why not...
After a few presses (your finger feels numb now doesn't it?) the lights start to change again. Impatiently you start to step off the kerb, when a bike whizzes past you, catches the corner of the handlebars on your pants pocket, and gives a new meaning to "Rip you a new one" to your pants. Well you can't blame the bike.. the lights were still amber, he was still legal in trying to beat the red light. Thank god you wore that sexy Calvin Klein underwear today huh? The new T-back one, you know, the one the wifey got you?
Well the damage isn't too bad. You could PROBABLY cover the hole up if you tighten your belt a litte, fold the flapping cloth under the belt, and hold your suitcase in a certain way, yeah.. you can probably hide the fact that your pants have been ripped front-to-back. No problemo! The problem is, still, that you're LATE! You need to get into the building, that is only like 5 metres away from this kerb! You NEED to enter the lobby now, and ask the receptionist to contact your client!
With a little practice, and a slight change of the way you walk, you really DO manage to cover the hole in your pants! Bravo! Now you just hope that the doors to the building are auto sensing ones, and not those where you have to PUSH or PULL... and your prayers are answered! Yes! They are automatic!
The doors slide open, you walk into the lobby and up to the receptionist. You ask for your client, and gives the receptionist your name and company as usual. You take a seat while waiting to see your client. Damn, you know you are 30 mins late. You need to find an excuse, one that he'll buy. You nervously rack your brains for one.
Then, a nice, sexy-looking lady comes up to you. You recognise her as being the secretary of your client's. Now you wish you had a secretary like that. Hell, you wish you could even HAVE a secretary in the first place!
And she says "I'm sorry, but I think there has been some confusion. There is no meeting today, but we were expecting you yesterday...."
And you slap yourself silly.
20:32 by FoxTwo
The Hurrier I Go... The Behinder I Get...
There you are, trying to make up some time. Quick glances at your watch (intervals of 5 seconds between glances) tell you that there is no way in hell you can make it there on time. So you speed up your walking a little. However, this being Singapore, of course, you forget that our streets are not "sparse". Well it is sparse, compared to Hong Kong, but they aren't sparse actually (to an ang mo from anywhere except New York, our streets would be fantastically crowded to them).
So, the streets being not sparse, your quickened pace suddenly brings you up behind a loving couple strolling on that same street you are hurrying along of. Their pace is as slow as molasses... damn, this is Singapore, man! People are supposed to be in a rush!! So you waste precious seconds waiting for a break in the throng of people walking on that street, looking for a small crack in the flow of people, for you to quickly "change lanes" and "overtake" that lovey-dovey couple.
Being nimble, you zip around a few more people who are just strolling by on the street. You come to a junction. Damn, now you need to wait for the lights to change before you can go. You hit the button. The traffic lights laugh at you and seem to say "I know you're in a hurry but you still have to wait 3 minutes for me to get off my coffee break and change the lights for you". So, you pound on it. People around you (who are waiting to cross the road with you) look at you as if you're weird, but you know it's THEM that are weird. Who the hell in Singapore walks on the street at such slow pace, man? We're all in a hurry! That is what we have been brought up with - everything needs to be grabbed, as soon as possible, as fast as possible! Don't waste it! Kiasu-ism for teh win!
Well, the pounding on the traffic light button worked. After the 2765th press, the lights change. Not too bad, you showed 'em! So you run across the street. Well, you should have picked a different street, my friend, because this is the SHOPPING STREET! So you utter a small curse, and start hurrying more. You really NEED to get to your destination!
As you walk, you encounter a pair of fat Tai Tai's. Only tai tai's can come out shopping in the middle of the afternoon when everyone else is at work, or going for a meeting like you are! Because they are tai tai's, they are window-shopping, of course. Rich people never buy anything! They just look and point. And drink coffee. No, people who dress rich are the stingiest people. Every cent is counted. They are total misers! That is how they stay "rich". The TRULY rich people, would be going around in singlet and shorts, and paying cash for everything. Why? Because, they don't need to advertise their status. They know they are "there", don't need to show off. Or it could be that they are really poor people, pretending to be rich people, paying cash for everything because they can't get a credit card? Hmmm....
So anyway, the pair of fat tai tai's block the whole street because they chose to walk side-by-side and talking, and going very slowly because they are window-shopping, instead of walking in a line like what the SAF teaches us when we go into the army. Line Abreast formation is only to be used for Charging, not movement! Dammit, someone needs to get those 2 tai tai's into the SAF and teach them the proper way to move!
No choice lah, brudder. You have to walk on the ROAD just to overtake them. It's crazy huh, because of all the cars we have? And to think, this is restricted hours too! Supposed to be LESS cars in CBD than normal! Could have fooled me... Looking furtively left and right, you step out from the kerb. Immediately you can hear tyre screeching and sounds of metal and glass smashing and breaking. You cringe. You pray you didn't just cause that. So, you turn around, and ... heng ah!!! Not my fault! you think. The sound came from another street, parallel to the one you are on.
Finally, you overtake the 2 tai tai's who were blocking your way earlier. As you are in the process of overtaking them (by walking at the edge of the road), the 2 tai tai's enter a shop, leaving the way free. They must have spotted something nice in the window. Damn! Could have waited a few more secs and they would have turned into the shop!
So you climb back out from the road, skipping over the nice roped fence and trampling over the newly planted bushes and flower beds, so you can get back onto the pavement. You even got some mud on your shoes when you did that. As soon as you step onto the pavement, the 2 tai tai's come out of the shop, just ahead of you! Doh!
You almost break into a run, trying to stay ahead of the 2 ladies. But, you trip and fall, because, you know, you got mud on your shoes? Mud makes shoes slippery. Slippery means "no traction". Got that? Good. So, you eat some dirt. Now, your nice shirt is crumpled and stained. How can you go see your client like that now? Piang eh, you need to find a public toilet soon, man! To clean the shirt as much as you can!
Hunting around, you soon see a "Public Toilet" sign. The old lady at the counter refuses to allow you entry unless you cough up 20 cents. That is highway robbery! The entry fee used to be 10 cents! WTF? Well, she's not having any of it, so you better pay up or you can go see your client messy. Choose one.
You waste even more precious time cleaning yourself up as best as you can. You even try to force the pee to leave your body faster than normal because, at this point, EVERY SECOND COUNTS! You know you really have to be there 15 mins ago, don't you? Yup, your watch is practically screaming at you "You're late! You're late! Nyah nyah nyah!" Now, your shirt is wet from the piss-poor cleaning job you just did. You can't go see your client with a wet patch on your shirt!
Ah good, a hand dryer, with a twistable nozzle so you can direct the flow to your shirt. Ok so you do that. And wait. And wait some more. And wait even more. The shirt doesn't seem like it wants to be dried, you know? Precious seconds and ticking by, what you gonna do?
Right, you dash out of there with the shirt, and a slightly-damp, hardly-noticeable patch on your tummy. You can't risk walking now. You need to run! The building is just across the next junction, and you can see the junction! One more glance at your watch tells you that you are now "25 mins too late", as Michael would say, while learning to rock. As you near the junction, the lights changed. Now, it's the cars' turn to move, not the humans'. You have to wait 2 more minutes, buddy! Tough luck, the traffic light sneers at you. Hmmm... should I pound on the button of this traffic light? Ah heck why not...
After a few presses (your finger feels numb now doesn't it?) the lights start to change again. Impatiently you start to step off the kerb, when a bike whizzes past you, catches the corner of the handlebars on your pants pocket, and gives a new meaning to "Rip you a new one" to your pants. Well you can't blame the bike.. the lights were still amber, he was still legal in trying to beat the red light. Thank god you wore that sexy Calvin Klein underwear today huh? The new T-back one, you know, the one the wifey got you?
Well the damage isn't too bad. You could PROBABLY cover the hole up if you tighten your belt a litte, fold the flapping cloth under the belt, and hold your suitcase in a certain way, yeah.. you can probably hide the fact that your pants have been ripped front-to-back. No problemo! The problem is, still, that you're LATE! You need to get into the building, that is only like 5 metres away from this kerb! You NEED to enter the lobby now, and ask the receptionist to contact your client!
With a little practice, and a slight change of the way you walk, you really DO manage to cover the hole in your pants! Bravo! Now you just hope that the doors to the building are auto sensing ones, and not those where you have to PUSH or PULL... and your prayers are answered! Yes! They are automatic!
The doors slide open, you walk into the lobby and up to the receptionist. You ask for your client, and gives the receptionist your name and company as usual. You take a seat while waiting to see your client. Damn, you know you are 30 mins late. You need to find an excuse, one that he'll buy. You nervously rack your brains for one.
Then, a nice, sexy-looking lady comes up to you. You recognise her as being the secretary of your client's. Now you wish you had a secretary like that. Hell, you wish you could even HAVE a secretary in the first place!
And she says "I'm sorry, but I think there has been some confusion. There is no meeting today, but we were expecting you yesterday...."
And you slap yourself silly.
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